potatoes are my life!

Depressives make the worst bloggers, I swear. LOL. I did want to share my interesting experience of this week, though, just on the off chance that it helps someone.

I’d been in about my worst funk in recent history….I know it was precipitated by sleeping too much, as well as worrying about some health issues I’ve been dealing with. I did some more research (which I really should cite here & hopefully will get a chance to do later)….apparently depressed people dream more that non-depressed people, not only that but their dreams tend to involve more mental activity, with the end result that you can end up feeling exhausted *from* sleeping. Some anti-depressants actually work by suppressing REM sleep. At any rate, I know that a bit of sleep deprivation always helps me to feel better, so Monday and Tuesday night I kept it to about 4 hours. Still felt pretty crummy but could at least get my butt off the couch long enough to get my chores done, so that Dave didn’t have to do them for me anymore. And of course as always when I’m down I crave carbs like mad, and of course as always I tried my best to eat a somewhat balanced diet anyway. Until yesterday afternoon….I just gave in to it & had a big bowl of instant mashed potatoes with canned mushrooms & vegan gravy, and like half a bag of frozen corn. The whole meal had just a smidge of protein from the mushrooms, and no fat to speak of. After I ate it I felt a little sleepy & told Dave that I was going to lie down. He was going to wake me in like 10 minutes but he got stuck on the phone and didn’t make it down. I woke up on my own about half an hour later, with the weirdest feeling like “What am I doing on the couch in the middle of the afternoon?” Once I got up I felt *really* good, but assumed it was just a boost from the carbs & that it would wear off when they did, but it *didn’t*. The depression was just *gone*, and I still feel really good today.

I have no idea what happened. I’ve never had it just…..leave like that, so quickly, with a nap as the line of demarcation. Dave and I have been laughing that I cured my depression with mashed potatoes. And heck yeah that’s the first thing I’m going to try next time I’m down but I’m sure it had to be more than that. I mean, as those of you who’ve exprienced it know, it’s not just a matter of now I’m in a better mood….there’s a whole host of physical symptoms that go along with depression. Basically you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck and covered with a lead blanket and then told to try & go about your life as usual. And all of that was *gone* after the nap. And it hasn’t come back. Weirdest thing I’ve ever experienced.

At any rate, now that I’m feeling better I have to try & catch up with life. Will be doing some work on my Etsy shop this evening and hopefully getting some new stuff listed. Back into the swing of Ashtabula Animal Advocates as well. I’ll try to post daily while I’m feeling up to it :)

“Overcoming Depression”….could it be??

I really enjoy Steve Pavlina’s site, which I came across while researching polyphasic sleep.   His articles about self-discipline and goal-setting are very motivational, but I’ve been stuck in such a funk lately that I’ve been having a hard time implementing his suggestions, and of course becoming all the more depressed at my failure to do so.    Today it occurred me to search his site to see if he’d written about depression at all, and by golly he has.   

At first I did find his ideas overly simplistic, even insultingly so.   These problems are chemical, damn it…it’s not just “Aww, I’m thinking about sad stuff right now, *snif*.” 

But then I really got to thinking about the way my brain tends to work (or not work) during depressive episodes, and before & after.   I do have a tendency to try & retreat into fantasy worlds, but have always fought this as escapist.  Lately, for example, I’ve been dreaming of moving to Portland, OR, but haven’t allowed myself to think too much about it because actually moving there would involve abandoning a lot of very important responsibilities I have here.   Thinking through Steve’s ideas, though, I should go ahead and dream of Portland…of living in a area where I wasn’t the only vegan in the county and didn’t have to spend so much time witnessing animal abuse in my own back yard (quite literally, when I see the hunters going out in the morning & hear their gun shots all day long).    I should go ahead & fantasize about having museums, poetry readings, and restaurants I can actually eat at within a short walk.   I mean, it’s not big stuff in the grand scheme of things, but if one of my problems is that I’m feeling extremely isolated out here in the country, then it should help, right?  

Like I said, I used to reject this behavior as at best escapist and at worst downright irresponsible.  But the part I hadn’t considered is the fact that your thoughts actually *do* change your brain chemistry.   No one who’s spent much time thinking about sex can deny this;  your thoughts definitely have an effect on your physiology.  ;) 

So, kind of taking Steve’s ideas and running with them…if thinking about the messy tangle of responsibilities I’ve created here in Ohio depresses me, and thinking about a more glamorous and (most importantly) effective life elsewhere makes me feel good, why not feel good?   If it’s actually going to change my brain chemistry for the better, then it’s actually the *responsible* thing to do, right?

Another interesting path this leads to…anecdotally, I get the impression that depressed adults tend to have been big daydreamers as children.   Could it be that as kids we were essentially self-medicating ourselves with imaginary happy thoughts, and that once we grew up & denied ourselves that method of coping we became depressed?

Welcome

Emerging from a depression is similar to waking up after a night of heavy drinking.   Nothing makes much sense and you’re vaguely aware that a number of people may be mad at you.   

Physically, the feeling is more like the first halfway decent day after a bout of the flu.    The heavy limbs, the aching joints, the ability to function with large amounts of analgesics, but barely.   For some reason in this state of mind I always feel the need to try something new, repeatedly (and misguidedly) blaming my mood on the circumstances of my life.   

Anyway, today I’m finally off the couch after yet another spell, and I’ve decided to set up this blog.   It’s not due to any great creative surge, rather it’s an idea I’ve had for a while, and today seemed to provide the perfect combination of enough functioning brain cells to excute it, combined with the physical urge to stay in one place for most of the day.

The idea for the blog stems from the Huston Smith quote above:  “The only thing good without qualification is extended vision, the enlargement of one’s understanding and awareness of what reality is ultimately like.”   It’s been a favorite of mine since college…I recently re-re-re-discovered it taped to the front of an old computer monitor.   Even though I hadn’t thought of it for maybe a year, I still find that it’s been behind almost every decision I’ve made in that time (the concept if not the actual words).    I do try to live my life out of a sense of endless curiosity, and considering the aforementioned depression, that’s probably the only reason I’m still here.   A college professor of mine used to say that the only reason he was still alive was to see what would happen next…that’s it, exactly.

The idea of this blog (she says to no one) is to focus on learning in a more formal manner,  educating as I go.   Like many people, I’d love to go back to school but, like many people, I don’t live a life that would allow that.   Also, I’d love to teach, but am far too shy.   So I spend a lot of time half-heartedly researching this or that, but giving very few topics the enforced study that’s demanded in college.   I’m hoping to use this blog as my own unforgiving professor, hovering over me with whiskey breath and  protruding nose hairs.   Perhaps (perhaps) more importantly I hope to educate others in the process.

My main area of interest is animals…animal rights, animal rescue, animal advocacy.   But any topic is fair game.   If this blog gets too cluttered I will divide it up into several more focused blogs, but for now I’m going to see how it evolves.   I’ll also be adding ads at some point, but all proceeds will go to supporting my animal rescue, Serenity Now Ranch (SeNoRa).

Typically the day *after* emerging from a depression is like the first really good day after the flu.   You don’t feel all that great physically, but are just so relieved to be fully functional again that normalcy is ecstasy.   It doesn’t last, but I’m expecting great things from tomorrow…